11.19.05

Funny Quotes

Posted in Famous Quotes, Funny Quotes at 10:55 am by Administrator

Funny Quotes with no attribution

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.

You know the speed of light, so what’s the speed of dark?

Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell
you why it isn’t.

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.(Friend or
Money !)

Death is hereditary.

There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.

A consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound
confusing.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

Where there’s a will, there are five hundred relatives.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the
dark.

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the
morning and does not stop until you get into the office.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we
don’t like?

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always
just exactly fits the newspaper.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t
looking good, either.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable
application of high explosives.

Tell me what you need and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon and some days you’re the statue.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time
you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to
myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat
word for word what you shouldn’t have said.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching
them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years
telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.

Children will soon forget your presents. They will always
remember your presence.

The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind
yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your kids.

A child’s greatest period of growth is the month after
you’ve purchased new school clothes.

“You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day
when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.”

“I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they
have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if
they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?”

“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”

“The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.”

“My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he
could, so long as he didn’t take it out of my garden.”

Funny Quotes

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