I’m now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.
- Henny Youngman Quotes

The other day I broke 70. That’s a lot of clubs.
- Henny Youngman Quotes

“Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears.”
“Don’t answer!”
- Henny Youngman Quotes

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks “Doc, how do I stand?”
The doctor says “That’s what puzzles me!”
- Henny Youngman Quotes

My hotel room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
- Henny Youngman

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out
- Henny Youngman

I made a movie with Farrah Fawcett and her dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.
- Henny Youngman

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he’s out of.
- Henny Youngman

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
- Henny Youngman

I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she’ll kill me!
- Henny Youngman

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
- Henny Youngman

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
- Henry “Henny” Youngman

Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. The doctor said: “Don’t answer!”
- Henny (Henry) Youngman

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
- Henny Youngman

If at first you don’t succeed… So much for skydiving.
- Henry Youngman.